Some days I wonder how I would perform if I had 40 hours for rest, recovery, sleep, nutrition. What would my performance look like then. Would I tire less quickly because of the recovery time? Would it feel easier? Would my technique improve? Would I be calmer? Would I sharpen my skates more often with time? Would I train more? Would I eat better? Sleep more? Wake up easier?
I will never know any of these answers and thats okay with me. I took a huge challenge to chase a dream. Moving away from home wasn't that hard, living on my own, not that hard. Paying for all of my training and living expenses? Kind of a challenge while balancing a training regimen designed for success, and managing a personal life on top of it all.
I grew up with a blue collar attitude. I work for what I have and what I want. The success is nothing without the journey. The struggles of today make tomorrow's victories vindicating. I could beg for money and claim how impossible it is to train and work at the same time. But I've always held myself to a higher standard then that. Is it hard? Yes. Impossible? No.
I have a short temper with myself at practice. I am used to pushing myself. I am used to my best being better then everyone else's. I know every moment is an opportunity to improve, master, and find a new technique. I want constant progression although in reality the idea of one step back to take two forward is more accurate. I hate every moment that I lose feeling, every movement doesn't feel like a progression from the last. I get angry that my body doesn't do what my mind is telling it. And I get mad when my mind shuts down my body. I get frustrated when I make a mistake. I anger every time I can't do something right the first time, let alone the second. There's a certain passion I have for constant progression. In everything I do I want to be better tomorrow then I was today. I don't want to take a step back.
When I can't keep up for a lap, set, practice, or day I get angry. When I can't run, jump, or lift more I get angry. When I can't stretch further or better I get angry. Angry with myself, that anger drives me to improve. It creates a longing within, a longing to be better, to not lose at anything to anyone.
Today I will push my body until I can't move tomorrow if its called for, then tomorrow I will get mad at my body for not allowing me to move. Call it what you want.
I am one of a kind. I don't want fame. I don't want flash, money, or stardom. I just want the satisfaction of making it all on my own. I just want to prove it can be done. So many people have told me the impossibilities of my life. I just need to prove everyone wrong.
